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BPO Off Topic Forum => Anything Non-Dog Related => : moonlitcroatia September 01, 2006, 09:12:17 AM
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I'm posting this here at BPO, because I don't think most people would understand my viewpoint.
Why do human beings have to be so needy? My bf has an anger problem. He blows up over things I most often don't even remember, says hurtful things he does not mean, doesn't speak to me, and then apologizes profusely, says he'll get help, and then remains pretty nice until the next explosion. Well, this time he exploded three nights ago when I was cooking food for Greta. Lou passed the previous Friday and for the past nine years I've dreaded the day my dogs leave, so now is a touchy time as it is. Greta was not eating anymore, so I cooked chicken breasts for her one day, then purchased groceries and cooked the next. When my bf found out that the food I cooked was not for him he flew into a verbal tyrade, cursing and condemning me. All I could do was tell him my observation: that he was pouring off hatred and that he should be happy that his son is visiting and that he is alive.
For me, the moment he blew up was a special moment. As Gandhi taught "Always aim at complete harmony of thought and word and deed. Always aim at purifying your thoughts and everything will be well." I was fulfilled after making the meal for Greta because I know she has little time left and it is my duty and wish to make her as happy as possible. I figure that human beings can cook and take care of themselves; besides, I don't cook much anyway, so there was nothing out of the ordinary about the situation.
Let's say that this blow-up at this particular time was a "coup de grace" or a final blow, the last straw. The emotional strain caused me to realize that I probably do love dogs more than any other living creature I've come into contact with. I rationalize my point when I imagine having a relationship with someone who loves horses, who spends all of their time on a ranch, etc. Why would I be jealous of the time spent with horses? If anything I would be happy that the human I was bonding with was able to show such kindness and affection toward another species. The idea of being jealous is absurd.
I told my bf today that I am unable to cope with the bouts of anger. If he reacts this way over whatever it is I cannot foresee, how will he act when something extremely trying occurs? Not as if losing Lou did not cause him to cry all day, but I feel he needs to seek help for himself and by letting him go at this point, in hopes that he will take care of himself, I am doing so out of love.
I'm not necessarily asking for advice here, because I know that is unreasonable. I just want to share this dilemma, because you are dog lovers, too. At the same time, if you have something to say, please feel free as I am probably emotionally stunted at this point and may be making a rash decision. Only time will tell. :'(
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I understand how you feel. You made the right decision by letting him go. You don't need to feel berated or threatened in any way. Verbal abuse often leads to physical. I am so proud of you for standing up for yourself.
I once had the same problem, but my bf at the time was drinking. I told him many times I wouldn't put up with. He said he would get help and never did. So I said good-bye and hoped he would get the help he deperately needed. I'm sad to say that he never did. :-\
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Sending a cyber hug, only you know what is in your heart. Greta needs you and you need her there is nothing wrong with that.
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Thanks for sharing that story. I'm sorry you have to deal with even more stress as if losing Lou was not enough. :'(
I have been in a similar situation to yours. I had a former boyfriend "accuse" me of loving my dogs more than I loved him. Suffice it to say, the relationship did not work out.
I have to agree with you too about the anger issue... if this is how he handles finding out you didn't cook for him, how is he going to react when something really serious happens???
Hang in there, and remember, as a dog-loving woman you are definitely not alone!!! :-*
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You got out just in time, believe me. We have an abusive person in my family, and the verbal crap is just a signal.
My advice? Even if he gets counseling, now that he's out the door, don't ever let him back in. Counseling works less than half the time, and you deserve better than him.
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So it goes that perhaps our dogs save our lives.
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You did the right thing.
Nina
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You did the right thing. There is someone out there that you can share your life with who love dogs as much as you. You don't deserve any crap right now when your dealing with your furbabies needs. We are here for you.
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I am sorry you have to deal with this :-\
I think that you are making the absolute right choice to put you and your dogs first in your life and let him go. It is not a matter of his vs. the dog, it is a matter of him using the dog as a scapegoat for his anger and abusive temper
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I agree,Dogs do save our lives everyday ,and in this case I think listening to your heart and your inner self you made the right choice.
It really had nothing to do with the dog.it was him and him alone.
Tricia and the fur kids.
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Moon...Please know that we care & understand...Y ou just don't need that crap right now!...I am sending BIG hugs!
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My sympathies, but you're right to let him go. Maybe in the future he'll get better.
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It really had nothing to do with the dog.it was him and him alone.
I agree, you had what I like to call your AH-HA moment. I had one of those too, many years ago. I actually left him a couple of times, but went back out of habit. The last time I left, I was standing in the doorway and he was laid out across the bed sobbing like a baby (literally), and I started to take a step into the room when this little voice in my head said "stupid bi#@%, leave now while you can". And I walked out. Being in your calm moment probably helped a lot, and yes you were doing something for Greta, but I don't think it had anything to do with the dogs. Good luck to you, enjoy Greta, and isn't it nice to breathe easy?? By the way, from time to time I talk to my ex's father....he says he's still a s@#t!!
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So it goes that perhaps our dogs save our lives.
Very true! It may hurt now, but I think you've seen the wisdom of letting this bf go. Even if it never turned to physical abuse, the verbal is bad enough. You do deserve better. Cyber hugs to you in this difficult time!
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I recently seperated from my Husband (who I should point out was a dog lover) just posting to say it's hard when a relationship breaks down so in that respect I know what you are going through.
On the other hand if in the future I were to meet someone else and they couldn't accept my dogs, they would be out the door before their feet could touch the ground. Dogs have always, always been a very big part of my life. I only live by two Rules now...Love my daughter, Love my dogs! If a man cannot accept my daughter or my dogs then he's really not worth knowing :)
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Anger is the most impotent of passions. It effects nothing it goes about, and hurts the one who is possessed by it more than the one against whom it is directed.
- Carl Sandburg
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Wow! I am grateful and astounded at the words of wisdom and support. I am sticking by my guns. I have the feeling that he thinks he will have a chance to reconcile, but I read that it is wise to bore angry people out of a relationship and be firm. So that is what I'm doing. I think it's an unwise move to allow "talks" or that sort of thing, unless I have control of logic and keep to the cut and dry.
And that's what I've been doing! I hope after my guests leave he doesn't flip out. That's a chance I'll take, I guess. He hasn't made any kind of threat, though. I think it will be fine.
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I'm a bit late with this but here goes anyway.
Moon, take it from someone whose been there-done that.
Not sure I should post this, some folks can be real judgemental. But here goes.
I have been in a position where I gave up my beloved animals to please a husband and try to save a marriage a few years back.
I regret it to this day.
I carry the guilt and wonder how they are doing to this day.
If I could go back in time and change things I would.
I was married, and for you this is just a boyfriend.
Thank your lucky stars you aren't having to deal with a divorce.
#1 from reading your post this whole thing has NOTHING to do with your dogs, it has to do with your ex boyfriends anger issues, his need to be controling and emotionally and verbally abusive to you.
PLEASE, NEVER give up on who you are, what you love and your dreams for any man. NEVER.
If the man loves and respect you and himself, he will become part of your dreams, not ask you to be someone or something you're not.
Take it from someone who knows. I'd rather live in a house with a dozen dogs than one human who is nasty, negative and misrable.
For those who may judge what I did,
When I placed my beloved 4 legged babies, I was emotionally distraught, depressed, and had a husband who was about to leave me at the end of the month with rent soon due, a car in his name only and hours away from family.
I did what I had to do at the time, and no I wouldn't do it again, if I had to do it over again, I would of dumped the husband.
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Yes. There is no question about whether I will choose my dogs over a boyfriend. Everyone who knows me personally is aware that I will live in a car with my dogs, rather than give them up. In this case, the house is mine and the dogs are my family, so they will stay no matter what.
Part of the reason I posted here is strategic. I felt that it would provide the support I need to remain steadfast in my decision. I can't say that I didn't see this coming, because I've pondered in my own mind what I am willing to put up with. While I did give him a few chances during the last year, because I understood he was dealing with a lot and I wanted to be supportive, there does come a time when enough is enough. I feel it is the best decision that we end our relationship.
They say to be boring, so that is what I've been doing. For the past couple of months I've given him signs that he is pushing me further away with his anger issues. I told him a few months ago that every time he has a negative attitude or tantrum during the weekend I feel different about the relationship. He, too, knows in his heart that I've had enough, because when he called me at work on Friday to act like nothing happened, sweet talk, and apologize, I noticed that he approaches it like this:
"Hey, hon. How are you?"
"Fine," I said.
"Hey, I was really out of line the other night. I think we both were."
"Hmm," I said. "It's complicated--hard to put into words. How do I say this?"
"What?" he said. "You want to call it quits now or something?"
"Here's where I'm coming from..." (I proceed to tell him.)
To this he answers, "So...you've had enough?"
"Yes."
Still, I believe he thinks there is a chance he can talk me out of it. This morning I asked him how long he needs the cell phone, since it's in my name and I have a contract. I told him I'd absorb the cost (basically, I am going to get a different number and share the plan with someone else rather than cancel and pay the fee). He said that he'd pay for it and to that I said, "I think it's best if I take responsibility for it."
He answered, "I think that's a good idea, too."
I've noticed he does this: makes a statement that is half apology, half attempt to rope me into the blame game, then when I respond he immediately doubles back and tries to agree or state what he thinks I want to hear.
I told him quite a while ago when he'd have his tantrums and storm out without saying anything (of course he'd always pack his stuff and act like I should be grateful he gave me the time of day) that eventually, when I make up my mind, it will be final.
After about the third time he did this I stopped responding. I let it go. I waited to see if he'd carry out his threats and, sure enough, he was back apologizing and saying he'd go to anger management classes, but he never did.
Right now I'm feeling pretty refreshed at the idea of being alone. This year I'll be working on my thesis, plus working a full-time job, so I don't need all the hassle and drama. ;)
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I am late weighing in on this, Moon, but I just wanted to tell you how strong you are to do this.
NEVER EVER EVER lose yourself. It's much easier to keep firm grasp on who you are now than it is to try and reclaim yourself after you've been in a long-established relationship/marriage (experience talking here! currently going through this while working on our marriage :-\ )
Be strong and do what your heart, head and gut tell you. And give your pups a hug. They will be true to you always.
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He moved into his own place yesterday. It was rather unpleasant for quite a while, because his attitude was bad. Now, at least, I can concentrate on school and the pups.
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He moved into his own place yesterday. It was rather unpleasant for quite a while, because his attitude was bad. Now, at least, I can concentrate on school and the pups.
Moon, you have your focus & priorities straight...Goo d for you!...Hang in there...I am thinking of you! :-*
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I'm sorry to add my 2 cents so late but I thought I posted and don't see anything so I guess I didn't. Add me to the crowd that commend you on being mature and realize what is right for you before you made a bigger mistake down the line.
I hope you are doing OK now and that you are taking comfort in your animals. Someone better will surely come along who will appreciate you, your animals and the love you give to them.
Best of luck