I am completely and absolutely overwhelmed by you amazing people. From the bottom of my broken heart, thank you. You have filled me up over the past weeks, and especially today, in ways that I could never be able to describe to others and have them believe. The pictures of candles and flowers, the gifts of poems, the shared tears, the wishes of godspeed and the promise of all your amazing buddies waiting to welcome Barkley at the bridge helped me through this day, and gave me the words I needed to speak to him, and to our two boys, tonight.
I may write more in the Bridge section, but wanted to let you all know what took place while it's still vivid for me.
I spent the last three hours that we had alone in the house here just sitting on the basement floor with him. He wouldn't eat or drink, so we just hung out and talked. I swear he nodded at me a few times. In fact, once I said "did you just nod?" and he nodded!
He always was a smart guy ... understood every word we were saying and could put us on ignore when it was convenient.
My husband's two boys ended up coming to us unexpectedly tonight, which turned into a mixed blessing. The youngest joined Barkley and I on the floor, and my heart broke as he cuddled his buddy and sobbed. Then he started to tell me about a book that he had read at school that spoke of a bridge that dogs cross, and when they cross they are given a drink from a fountain called the fountain of memory. This drink lets them remember all the good things about the people who love them. (This boy is 8 and never ever fails to amaze me) Through his sobs he said "I want Barkley to remember that I love him, and that I fed him cookies, and that I didn't want him to go yet".
When it got close to the time, we got Barkley up. He walked on his own, with just a little help, to the truck. He has never just lay in the truck for any trip, but tonight he just lay down. There is no doubt in my mind that he was ready to cross tonight.
We walked into the clinic and his favourite vet assistant was working. She took us all into the room where she had made the most awesome, comfy bed for him on the floor. He immediately lay down right on the bed. She cuddled him for a bit before leaving. They let us have some time with him in there, and then the vet came in. We had decided that my husband would go with the kids to the waiting area while I stayed with Barkley. I thought I was really going to mind it, but in the end, it was a blessing for me to be alone with him.
As my husband said, it was a fitting end. I brought him home from the SPCA alone (we weren't married when Barkley and I found each other) and I brought him home to the bridge alone.
He placed his head in lap and locked eyes with me. I stroked his head, and told him it was ok, and how very much I loved him. The vet and the tech were both telling him what a good guy he was ... and how strong and brave he was ... and what a good friend he was. His paw sagged as the light faded from his eyes. He gave a very large, relieved sigh .... and a few seconds later, gave a second softer, peace filled sigh. And it was done.
We covered him with a blanket. They left me with him and I was able to say goodbye on my own. I put his head gently down on the pillows. He looked like he always did when he lay in his wonky leg position on the floor at home.
And then gathered my little family up and came home to our Sheba girl. She got some extra lovings tonight as a thank you for her patience and kindness toward her buddy the last few weeks.
Thank you all again. I don't think I'll ever be able to express what your support has meant to me - to know that I had a place to go where people understood that your dog is more than just a dog - he is part of your life.
