Author Topic: Need Advice about Moms Big Time - **Warning .. Long**  (Read 1372 times)

dohertyswissy

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Need Advice about Moms Big Time - **Warning .. Long**
« on: May 03, 2007, 10:40:43 am »
Alright, I'm desperate.  Here's some background information: I'm a single (formerly married) 30 year old only child who lives 30 minutes from my parents.  When I was 11, my Mom, who I love dearly was diagnosed with CFIDS (Chronic Fatigue Immune Deficiency Syndrome).  For those of you not familiar with the disease, it is basically like having mono all the time, coupled with depression and anxiety.  Also, those who have the disease catch anything and everything going around, because of their depressed immune systems.  It is not fatal, goes in and out of remission, and there is no cure.  I spent most of my childhood taking care of my Mom when her CFIDS was not in remission.  It was hard.  I had to bathe her, brush her teeth, etc when it was really bad.  When making a decision to go to college, I decided to go to the local one, instead of my dream school in Colorado, just in case.  It was a good move.  She almost died due to a drug interaction when I was a sophomore.  It taught me a lot though.  I went into college knowing how to run an entire household when most of my friends were still trying to master laundry.  :)  However, I learned a skill that sometimes backfires...pu tting everybody's needs above my own, almost to a fault.

Here's the rough part.  When my Mom is not in remission, she is a totally different person.  The truth of the matter is that we really have it under control right now, even though it is out of remission.  She is able to completely take care of herself, but just requires ALOT more rest than the average person and has to cutback activities quite a bit.  However, the second I give her any attention or extra time spent, she immediately thinks that my world needs to revolve around her, just as it did when I was 12.  She seems to have trouble respecting me as a 30 year old woman with her own life and not the 12 year old girl whose world revolved around her.

Case in point:  My childhood friend is getting married about 1 1/2 hours from here in September.  I'm the maid-of-honor in the wedding.  I chatted with her last week, she told me when she needed me to get there (Thursday night), and let me know the Save-The-Date cards would be coming this week with hotel info.  So, as soon as I got it today, I called the resort, because rooms are limited there and, as maid-of-honor, I need to be able to be at resort, so I can help the Bride in whatever way possible.  I made my reservations and went about cleaning my house.  Well, my Mom calls me this afternoon and says that she was wondering if Troy (my BF) and I would like to share a room with her and Dad.  Uh.. what?????  I politely tell her that I've got our reservation good to go, and that it would be great if they stayed in the same spot.  Well, she proceeds to say, "Oh.  Well, aren't we Ms. Snooty.  You must feel very fortunate to be able to afford a room 3 nights in a row."  I take a deep breath, thinking, h*ll yes, I work hard, I make a good living, and SERIOUSLY, the majority of people can save up a weekend rate in a hotel over a 4 month period.  Instead though, I say, "Well, yes, I am lucky, but I don't think that's snooty that I got my own room.  I think that is being an average 30 year old woman."  Then, she leaps into, "Many 30 year old people who have kids share rooms."  In my mind I'm thinking, none that I know, but whatever.  Deep breath again, "Lucky for me, I don't have kids right now."  She quips back, "People who don't have kids do that too."  Again, who are these "people" because I sure as h*ll don't know.  Obviously annoyed, she asks me a question about the rehearsal and wedding time and we hang up.  I call my Dad and leave a message requesting backup.

My patience is wearing terribly thin with her.  We spent one weekend at the beach together and she just goes overboard with how much time she thinks we need to spend together.  I love my Mom dearly, but I can't be her whole life.  I need her to be an adult mother/friend of a 30 year old independent woman with a very fulfilling life, not the mother to the 12 year old that I no longer am, who needs her for every little thing.  She called me 7 times on Tuesday, 5 on Wednesday, and has called me 3 times so far today.  I think that's excessive.  I know all the psychology behind it, so I know where it's coming from, but I just am at a loss on how to set boundaries here or what to do, because I don't want to make her angry or crush her, but I am about to tell her to go pound sand!  I am just that frustrated.

Thoughts?  Suggestions?  Am I overreacting? 

Offline schelmischekitty

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Re: Need Advice about Moms Big Time - **Warning .. Long**
« Reply #1 on: May 03, 2007, 10:43:41 am »
when my mom calls me too much i tell her, "mom, i love you, but i'm going to be in and out of the house for the next few days and you know i don't have a cell phone, don't worry if you can't get in touch with me. BUT i'll call you the second i get done with everything to tell you how things are going!"

maybe you could do the same thing, except say that you're going to be super busy at work during the week and that you'll call her first thing on saturday.

about the hotel thing, hm.  i would just say something like, "mom, i would really like to, but troy and i would like some personal time to make our relationship grow." before she can cut you off, just say, "i know you'll understand, since you're such a great mom!"  always say something good with the bad, so you kind of put her down and then compliment her so she can't really say anything.
« Last Edit: May 03, 2007, 10:49:12 am by schelmischekitty »
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Offline GoldenPyrs

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Re: Need Advice about Moms Big Time - **Warning .. Long**
« Reply #2 on: May 03, 2007, 11:42:40 am »
Heather, I don't have any advice for you.  I just wanted to say that my brother has had CFIDS for the last 25 years, so I do sympathize.  It sounds like you are an extremely devoted daugher, and she is a very blessed mom.  Please remember to take care of yourself, too.  ((hugs))
Marie

And my pups:
Daisy a 9 y/o Golden/Lab mix
Sammy a 6-7(?) y/o Great Pyrenees adopted 3/07
Cassie a 3 y/o Pyr/Mystery Snuggle Bunny mix adopted 2/07

My angel girls waiting at the Bridge:
Cara 1989-2001 Great Pyrenees
Sally ? - 1993 Dobie(rescued '92)
Halley 2002-2006 Great Pyrenees

dohertyswissy

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Re: Need Advice about Moms Big Time - **Warning .. Long**
« Reply #3 on: May 03, 2007, 04:08:52 pm »
I'll try to cover most questions in this post:

Steff - I've tried that..and she pulls the, "what if something happened to you or one of us, then you wouldn't know."  Which, unfortunately, works, because it did happen once upon a time.

Julie - I have tried, again and again, but she just gets really mad and goes off on a tangent about how she doesn't have a problem, that myself (and/or my father) are the ones with the problem.

Tina/Jenn/Goldenpyrs - Thank you sooo much (to Julie and Steff too  :-*) for your support.  I talked to my Dad, and he's at a loss too.  He doesn't want to make it seem like we are "ganging up on her," which she has accused us of before, so he's thinking maybe we should wait it out??  I don't know....it's all so frustrating and sad...  :'(  :'(  :'(