Author Topic: NDR - I Need to Vent - Sorry It's REALLY Long...  (Read 7907 times)


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NDR - I Need to Vent - Sorry It's REALLY Long...
« on: June 20, 2007, 11:38:27 am »
I haven't really brought this up on here before cause (obviously) it's really private and VERY detailed with info a lot of you shouldn't have to think about...but I've had it and need someone to listen to it (that isn't involved)...

My Mom suffers from severe depression. It is a terrible disease she's lived with since her early 20's (she's 66 now) and it's pretty much ruled her life. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, it's so sad to watch someone suffer through it...

Anyhow my parents split when I was younger and I've pretty much looked after my Mom in one way or another ever since. I'm not feeling sorry for myself for "the way the tide has turned" in regards to my family, I realize things happen in life that usually only end up making us stronger in the end. And, I'm a firm believer in respecting our elders and helping them as they need. My Mom lived on her own out here for a few years, but kept getting sicker. Her doctor advised she couldn't live on her own anymore, for fear of her life...

So when Eric and I were married we took her in, she lived with us for just over 2 years. Needless to say it was the hardest 2 years, and was VERY hard on Eric and I's new marriage. So we decided we needed a new plan for my Mom, about 2 years ago. My Mom is from Montreal, is VERY french and is VERY close with her sisters (she has 6 of them). So one of them so graciously offered to try and have Mom live with her (she's retired), so long as she would pay rent. Well, it hasn't been working well for the past 7 months or so. SO, Eric and I talked about it and figured we'd get her back here into a "younger" senior's home, we found her the nicest place that's 20 minutes from here and that only accepts "active" seniors... Since December I've been working SO HARD at getting her a spot in this place, it is very saught after and the waiting list is crazy...

Mom's spot won't be open for her until mid-July. Obviously I want my Mom here for the birth of our baby...her first grandchild (I'm an only child). Because living with Mom is so hard we came up with the plan that she can stay at a nice hotel here in town until her spot opens up at the home. She could hang out at our place with me during the day, or I would visit daily (if I can't) Eric would. I've been off work on bed rest for over a month now and have been begging Mom to come out ever since, so we could hang out and stuff. We have her travel plans all worked out, all she has to do is "put it into action", it's up to her...

So I talk to Mom everyday on the phone. I told her yesterday that as per my doctor, my due date is next Monday (June 25th) and that if the baby doesn't come by then he won't make me go past a few days more than that. So, we're going to be having a baby by the end of next week, obviously we're SO excited!!! ;D

My Mom has sent a few parcels with baby clothes, stuff like that - she is excited for her grandbaby. I know she loves me with all of her heart, but she is a person that expects everything to be worked out for her before taking any sort of action on a situation. Without sounding harsh she is a bit of a snob per say - she wants things to be perfect FOR HER. I kind of have always known that she calls me daily to (without sounding rude) "make herself feel good about not being here". It's true, it's unfortunately just part of the way she works...

Mom has been doing well (mentally) for some time now. She is on a medication that is agreeing with her very well (and most importantly) that she doesn't want to stop taking. So we've been waiting to hear from her when she'll be coming out, I can't wait! I ask her daily if she's "packed any stuff" or "phoned to get her ticket" etc - she always kind of shrugs it off. Well tonight she told me that she's not coming until her spot is opened up at the home, and that she's not excited about that either as she doesn't want to live "that lifestyle". She said the situation in Montreal sucks but she's not sure if she can come back out here either, cause she's not sure that's "what she wants". She said "you sent me back here (to Montreal) when I didn't want to, so maybe you should think about that". Basically she said because she can't live with me and Eric (which is ideal to her) that she may not be in our lives (other than over the phone). OUCH. She nearly put me into labor right then and there.

I am so hurt. I don't know how a parent couldn't want to be there for the birth of their only child's child. After EVERYTHING I've done for her...she basically is like a child to me, I've cared for her in many ways since I was a teenager. I am her legal guardian on top of everything else (because she isn't able to make some decisions for herself). I'm not that close to my Dad, so my Mom is really "it" for my family. I'm so lucky to have Eric's family, they are awesome (and) really they are my family just as much as they are his. But I'm so hurt, I can't stop crying. And to think (originally) I even wanted her in the delivery room with Eric and I.

My family is a joke. I just know I would NEVER treat my kids this way - ever. Family is most important, always.

Thanks for listening.
« Last Edit: June 20, 2007, 12:49:55 pm by k2campbell »

Offline happiday

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Re: NDR - I Need to Vent - Sorry It's REALLY Long...
« Reply #1 on: June 20, 2007, 01:02:33 pm »
((((((HUGS)))))) for Kelly!
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Offline GoldenPyrs

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Re: NDR - I Need to Vent - Sorry It's REALLY Long...
« Reply #2 on: June 20, 2007, 01:17:57 pm »
Kelly, I think that Holly really put it wonderfully.  I am so very sorry that you are going through this and I sympathize more than I can begin to explain here.  I've been dealing with depression & other mental illnesses with my Dad (and to a lesser extent, my Mom) all of my life, too.  It's often left me sad, frustrated & angry but I've made some major strides in the last year in how I deal with it.  What I'm finding is that I can't help them any more than they will allow, and regardless of what I do or say, I cannot make their lives happy & content, or to make them the parents for me & grandparents to my kids that I'd like for them to be.  So for my own peace of mind and for the sake of my husband and kids, I'm finding a way to love them while keeping a bit of emotional distance that allows me to be happy with the wonderful things that I do have in my life and not be so disappointed in what I don't have with them.  Does that make any sense?  It certainly isn't easy, and I'm definately no expert, I'm working on it day-by-day, but it started to come after some truly horrendous stuff that I'd put up with until I had to decide to make a peaceful, happy home for my family regardless of what was going on with my parents.

I really admire your dedication & commitment to your mom and I think that you are doing the absolutely right thing to find a way to care for her while giving you and Eric and your new baby the peaceful, happy home that you all deserve and yes, you absolutely deserve it!  :) I'm so glad that you have Eric's family, too.  They can never replace your Mom in your life, but they can help fill your heart and give you the love and the support that you need & deserve while you continue to love your Mom.  Please take care of yourself, Eric and the baby and do the best that you can for your Mom, but know that you are human and you can only do just so much.  My last suggestion is just to pray for peace for her and acceptance & support for yourself.  Just know that I truly sympathise and I'll PM you my e-mail address, if you'd like to talk.  In the meantime, you'll be in my prayers.  ((hugs))

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Offline zchic

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Re: NDR - I Need to Vent - Sorry It's REALLY Long...
« Reply #3 on: June 20, 2007, 08:58:34 pm »
((((hugs)))) Sorry you are having to deal with this. Try and focus on the positive. It sounds like you have a great hubby and in a week you finally get to hold that baby that has been kicking you and punching you for 9 months. :) My mom has some mental issues is not a fun thing to deal with, but I have learned to walk away and wait for her to come to me when she is "off". Take care dear.
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Re: NDR - I Need to Vent - Sorry It's REALLY Long...
« Reply #4 on: June 20, 2007, 09:53:15 pm »
Thanks so much everyone, really :-* I can't tell you how important your support is to me, I don't really have a lot of close friends here that understand (or want to take the time to understand) my situation with my Mom. I am SO LUCKY to have you all  :-* I think Holly's starting response sure got things rolling on the right foot, followed by the rest of your responses ;)

Obviously I didn't have a good sleep last night, this was running through my head. Eric and I had a good talk before bed though, he said he's "putting his foot down" for a while, he'd like me to not talk to Mom for a day or so on the phone. He said last night was ridiculous (it was, I was nearly hyper-ventilating after I got off the phone with her) and that for right now I have to be selfish and focus on me and the baby - and that's it! He's completely right, some of you have touched on this as well ;)

I guess it's just so hard for me because I'm literally ALL MY MOM HAS. So thinking of not being there for her as much as I always has is almost unthinkable for me (if that makes any sense)? I always just think "what would my kids do for me" when I think of her situation, and therefore my actions follow...

But you're all right, Eric too. I fully understand and realize that once our little bundle of joy arrives, I won't have time for this nonsense, I'll only have time to be there for Mom as much as I can, to support her and work with her doctors (as I always have - once a week). I do pray daily, for both her and myself. For her - to be able to make it through the day with peace and tranquility... for me - to be able to be there for her and accept that this is my Mom and that's it  ;)

Thanks again, to EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU - I love you all :-*

Edited to add: Another thing I didn't mention is that when Mom's spot at the home opens up in July there's a 1 week time period that she has to get there, if not the spot is lost (as well as all my work for the past 7+ months to get her in there)... :P No special circumstances, what-so-ever!
« Last Edit: June 20, 2007, 10:22:34 pm by k2campbell »

Offline DoDadsandDanes

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Re: NDR - I Need to Vent - Sorry It's REALLY Long...
« Reply #5 on: June 20, 2007, 10:22:00 pm »
Kelly you are sooo close to the big day!! That is awesome..I am so excited for you and Eric..You should be resting mentally and physically, preparing for the day.. once in a life time you will have your first child.. Its all about YOU right now..period.

You have certainly been a loving and supportive daughter. You have the added bonus of having a wonderful husband who is behind you in this difficult situation. You have both done everything in your power to make it work. The rest is up to your Mom..period.

From my own experience and that of dozens of people Ive known, mothers(or to be fair lets say parents)all over the world, Im sure, whether they have been medically diagnosed with an illness (of any kind) or not, have an uncanny ability of making their children feel guilty at times (JMHO though, not intended to offend anyone)Im sure Ive done it myself.. :-[

You're the MOM now..and you're going to be great at it..we cant wait to hear your story next week and to see lots of pictures!!!

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Re: NDR - I Need to Vent - Sorry It's REALLY Long...
« Reply #6 on: June 20, 2007, 11:00:58 pm »
Oh Kelly - I am sorry to hear about the "stuff" going on with your mom. I agree with what everyone has said. Oh the BPO'ers are a wise bunch!  :)

You are such an amazing daughter and you are going to be an incredible mother.

I am thinking about you and your family!  And can I just say again... I cant wait for your baby to get here... he/she will bring such joy... to us all!  :)

Sending lots of BIG hugs your way!

Offline Duramax

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Re: NDR - I Need to Vent - Sorry It's REALLY Long...
« Reply #7 on: June 21, 2007, 04:53:46 am »
you poor dear. and on top of it you prabibly feel terrible physicaly as well. from what you've said it does sound like she's trying to make you feel bad. DO NOT FEEL BAD, for what you wrote, every thing you've done has been perfect, and some times it's impossible to make some body happy. however, it's NEVER body's job to make any body else happy. i think the plans you have worked out for your mother are wonderful and a great idea. and if she decides to come down later then just let her. enjoy your husband and your baby. hun when that baby comes you will be so happy!! your baby will be the most perfect thing in the world to you. if your mother is not there for the delivery just take pictures...tak e pictures any way. i did with the second and i was so glad i had. and then you can share the delivery with her when she's focused on the baby and ready. and yes this week is totaly about you. feel free to be a bit selfish and please enjoy the last fiew days that you and your hubby have as a family of 2...cuz in a few days....nothin g is going to be quite the same  ;).
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Re: NDR - I Need to Vent - Sorry It's REALLY Long...
« Reply #8 on: June 21, 2007, 05:06:49 am »
AWww Kelly I am so sorry you have to deal with all this. I don't think I could add much more to all the great advice everyone has given you.
You are adding to your own family now and that is what you have to be focused on. From one only child to another--you can only be in one place at a time.  It is tough when you don't have siblings to help share the load. Your mom will be fine for the time being. Just focus on next week and the little(or should I say big  ;) of joy that will be coming into your life.  Things will fall into place after that.
« Last Edit: June 21, 2007, 05:07:30 am by Icerotti »

Offline Nina

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Re: NDR - I Need to Vent - Sorry It's REALLY Long...
« Reply #9 on: June 21, 2007, 05:50:34 am »
(((hugs)))) I am so sorry that you are going through this. This is the last thing you need. We are all here for you.

Nina  :)
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Offline Cazzie

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Re: NDR - I Need to Vent - Sorry It's REALLY Long...
« Reply #10 on: June 21, 2007, 06:06:47 am »
((big Hugs))
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Offline happiday

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Re: NDR - I Need to Vent - Sorry It's REALLY Long...
« Reply #11 on: June 22, 2007, 12:11:03 am »
I went through a similar situation with my grandmother before we realized she was suffering from Alzheimer's.  I would come home from helping her and I would just RIP INTO my family because I was so frustrated.  My hubby finally had to tell me I couldn't go see Grandma if this is what it was doing to me.  Listen to your husband.  He's looking out for what is best for you and your baby.  It's true, you can not help someone who doesn't want help.  All you can do is love them (at a distance), and do what you need to do to keep your life in balance.  Your baby needs a calm mommy.  You are in my prayers, Kelly.  ((((BIG HUG))))

P.S.  You are not a bad daughter.  She doesn't want all the help you have been working so hard to give her.  You have given this your best effort.  Be kind to yourself.   :-*
« Last Edit: June 22, 2007, 12:14:50 am by happiday »
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Re: NDR - I Need to Vent - Sorry It's REALLY Long...
« Reply #12 on: June 22, 2007, 12:53:43 am »
Will the home continue to hold her place until the possession date even though she is saying that she won't move after all, just in case she changes her mind?
Yes, they will hold it until then BUT the rep said this morning that they expect the room to be ready a bit earlier than anticipated, and the same rules apply to that date (so if it's ready next week and she's not here - she loses it). This was one aspect that was SO hard to work into all of this. The home was VERY reluctant to even consider her seeing as she lives "out of province". But we begged, and they gave in. They don't (and won't) give us any "special circumstance" treatment or anything (not that we'd expect it) but because it's SUCH a popular place...
« Last Edit: June 22, 2007, 12:56:11 am by k2campbell »


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Re: NDR - I Need to Vent - Sorry It's REALLY Long...
« Reply #13 on: June 22, 2007, 01:41:20 am »
Hey Kelly,
This might not be the best choice, but just trying to think of options.

Thanks Katie  ;)

All of your options sound great, however (believe it or not) they've all been used already!

Regarding moving into the new place - my Mom HATES living with her sister right now, HATES it. She tells me DAILY (well - before the other night anyhow) how much it sucks, how mean my Aunt is to her...that kind of thing. I agree with you though, regardless if she likes it in Montreal or not, it still would be scary to pack up and leave to live a completely different lifestyle. However, having said that, she's had since December to think about this. And SHE was the one that wanted to come back and be here for this SO BADLY.

As for the reality check - done. I told her (the other night when this all went down) that once the baby is born I WILL NOT have the time to find her another place to live, nor will I MAKE THE TIME after this nonsense has happened. She is aware. I told her if she chooses not to come out and loses this spot because of it - it's her problem, not mine.

I don't think physically forcing her to come out here is the right choice, nor would I have any way of doing it (should I choose to go that route). It's her choice to make. I think that's why I am so hurt. She has been doing REALLY, REALLY GOOD for the past 2 months (mentally). She is a different person than she was a while ago. Talking to her was fun again, she was happy (except with the living situation in Montreal). I speak to her doctor once a week and he even said that she is feeling better than she has been for years, and that anyone meeting her for the first time wouldn't even know she had suffered from severe depression. That's why it hurts, because I truly feel it was HER talking the other night, not the disease. I will never really know "who" was saying those hurtful things, but I've accepted that.

I truly believe that Eric and I will be so swept away with the arrival of our little one that this won't seem as important by next week, if at all. I'm trying to focus on the positive right now. Thanks for all your input, appreciated  ;)
« Last Edit: June 22, 2007, 01:49:38 am by k2campbell »

Offline kathryn

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Re: NDR - I Need to Vent - Sorry It's REALLY Long...
« Reply #14 on: June 22, 2007, 03:10:54 am »
I don't have any experience with depression so I can't really give you any advice plus you've gotten a lot of great advice from other people.  So I'm just gonna give you a big hug and lots of good thoughts for support.
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