Author Topic: A friend of mine died  (Read 1903 times)

lins_saving_grace

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A friend of mine died
« on: August 12, 2007, 01:01:17 am »
Wednesday night Dave, a guy i knew through my ex, died from a heart attack.  it was quick and painless, but he was only 49.  he left behind 3 kids and a wife, whom i also knew. 
Jane, the widow, is furious since Dave was out with my ex at the bar wednesday night, stumbled home late, passed out, got up in the middle of the night still a little loopy and said nothing.  he simply went back to sleep and with one last deep snore, he died. 
Of course my ex is using this as yet another reason to pout and blame the world for his anger and his drinking.  At work he acts like he's the only one who lost him and is the only one hurt by his loss.  it doesn't help that Jane had words with him about having taken Dave out the last night of his life and that the last time she would see him alive was with beer on his breath and a glazed look in his eyes.  I'd be mad too.
Do i go to the funeral? 
i know my ex and homewrecker will be there.  i thought i'd go to the visitation and see his wife and kids, but i didn't know if it would be appropriate.  she may blame me for Darrell's problem and her involvement in it.  Jane had been trying for years to get Darrell to leave Dave out of his drinking problem so that she could have her husband.  now look what happened.   Sometimes i feel like it's my fault i couldn't stop Darrell from drinking so much and i told him a million times how his drinking affected not only him, but everyone around him. 
how many more people need to be his casualty?

lins_saving_grace

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Re: A friend of mine died
« Reply #1 on: August 12, 2007, 01:15:37 am »
The thing that bothers me the most is that someone as nice and Dave is the one who dies and someone as ugly and mean as Darrell is still alive.  How many nights did i pray he would kill himself on the way home from the bar?  and Dave is the one who leaves the world too soon.  something not right about that.
Darrell's actions still follow me, almost haunt me, because his drinking problem doesn't affect just him.  Drinkers/alcoholics don't realize that the people around them feel the pain too.  it's horrible.  i'm glad i got out of it...really i am.  i wish i could help somehow.
i saw a Harley in the parking lot at the bar he goes to Saturday morning while i was at work.  i thought about calling his house and telling him to SOBER UP and take care of Lady or give her to me.  My heart sank to think that he's ignoring her again and i can't do anything about it.
i don't think it was his bike now that i try to remember the colors and style.  still...knowin g Lady is still with him, i hurt.

Offline Ali

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Re: A friend of mine died
« Reply #2 on: August 12, 2007, 01:47:25 am »
It's a shame that Dave passed away, but it sure sounds like you got away from a bad relationship none too soon. Unless you were really really close to the family, I'd stay away from the funeral and events. Maybe send a card to the widow or something. I know that seems callous, but it's best to keep yourself way out of it, especially if the widow blames your ex. You don't need to waste any of your emotion on this situation. Grieve for Dave in your own quiet space with Grace at your side, and move on with your healthy life.  All good thoughts, Ali
Ali
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Tani (TAH-nee or rhymes with "Bonnie")- Aussie/Pittie?Boxer?Mutt!
Kai - Aussie/Dobie
Kenji - big ol' black cat
Mika and Nishi - kitty sisters, foster failures!
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Offline Duramax

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Re: A friend of mine died
« Reply #3 on: August 12, 2007, 04:55:59 am »
ultimatly every individual person is responsible for theirself (exception to children and spec. needs). it was your friends choice to drink and with who. you made the decision to not live that lifestyle. If she some how ties you to this terrible thing that's happened then she's just looking for a release for her anger which is part of the grieving process. you were the wife of a friend. in no way was this because of something you did or didnt do. if you want to go to the funeral, i think you should.  go with some one else who knew him also if you are unsure. im so sorry for your loss Lin. It's very sad. That's just too young for a heart attack. :(
Grace you give mommy extra cuddles tonight and make sure she knows that she's not alone. :-*
Christina
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2 great danes -Duramax
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"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant." -Unknown

lins_saving_grace

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Re: A friend of mine died
« Reply #4 on: August 12, 2007, 07:27:53 pm »
i think i will just send a card.  My ex started a fight about which one of us has the most class since i asked if he'd mind if i go and of course i'd go at a time when i didn't have to see him or her there. 

lins_saving_grace

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Re: A friend of mine died
« Reply #5 on: August 13, 2007, 02:08:50 am »
what i need to realize is that i don't have to deal with Darth.  we work and live pretty close and never see eachother.  what i made myself see today is that i need to let go and since no one is listening to me when i yell warnings about what will happen if he's unleashed...wa tch it happen.  it's sad but there's nothing i can do to stop it or change it.  it is written. 
i need to change my habits and leave it be.   i just wish someone would constrain him before he blows. 
so...starting today...no matter how badly i feel about it...i have to stop worrying about what he may or will do and let it be.