I am NUCLEAR p.o.ed right now - UPDATE

[dohertyswissy]

Okay - I need advice.  Straight up..no sugar coating. 

Been dating my S.O. for a year.  Anniversary is today.  I just pinged him to see what time I needed to be ready, b/c we are handing out candy together, but I wanted to make sure that we could exchange cards beforehand and I got him a gift too. 

I get a response:  "oh s*$@!!!! anniversary card and gift? honey, i've got nothing for you...i am a bad boyfriend i guess...i bet you see lots of improvements i can make in that area huh....i really am sorry....with all that i have had going on i just never thought i needed a gift."

What has been going on you ask?  He's been traveling for work and just got back from a 4 day pleasure trip to Las Vegas with the boys.

I am pissed and hurt, mainly b/c i feel like this is the cherry on being taken for granted.

Thoughts?  Should I let it go?

[Ali]

Ok, well, here's my two cents. You should keep your plans with him, and give him the things you have for him. See what he has to say. Does he appear genuinely sorry and does he feel like an @ss? Did he stop at a gas station on the way over and grab a cheesy card and a lame stuffed bear? Is he blowing it off? I don't recommend cold shoulder stuff, but tell him really honestly how hurt you are. See where he takes it.

[People Whisperer]

I would be very mad as well!!!
Anniversary was very important to me since I dated my first BF. Nowdays my hubby and I always make our anniversaries (yes, we celebrate both the dating one and the wedding one) a little special (just a little  )
Don't stay mad though...talk to him and ask what was he thinking and explain to him how important this day to you  

[Nicole]

Oh hun. I hate d-bag boyfriends. However, when we were dating, Mark NEVER bought me a card or a gift for an anniversary. Of course, niether did I. We haven't really pinned down a dating anniversary.

Now that we're married, I guess I'll have different expectations, though.

He didn't have to tell you he didn't get you anything, though. That was the crappy part. He could have just quick picked something up.

And, I'm always pissy when Mark gets back from "boy" trips. I might be a sucky girlfriend/wife, but I'm always sulky and pouty about that stuff. I'm trying to do better. Its just lame that he goes on a 4 day trip AND tells you he doesn't have anything for you.

[People Whisperer]

Are you sure he didn't get you anything? My hubby sometime teases me that he got nothing and then surprises me...I don't think it's fun but he does that very creatively 

[navarre1316]

Holly I knew I liked you!!!!  Now all I need is a man to mold!!

[GoldenPyrs]

Well, I've been married for almost 18 years, together for over 19 now and I have to agree with Holly & Tina.  I love to have my hubby remember our anniversary (and he does, but it's 2 days before Christmas, so it's pretty easy to remember) but it's the everyday stuff that is the most important.  Like how he treats you, Ranger, your family, etc.  Is he affectionate, considerate, sweet.  Does he make you laugh (and your toes curl...tee hee), you get the idea.  I understand the disappointment, but you may want to give him a little room on this one.  Just my humble opinion.    

Modified to add:  BTW, the fact that he apologized when you spoke up makes a difference IMO, too.  If he'd taken the tact "Sorry hun, that's the way it is.  Whatya expect, I'm a guy, ya know" (imagine a Sly Stallone kind of attitude here), then I wouldn't be feeling as kindly toward him.  Personally, that would make a big difference to me.

[GoldenPyrs]

Ditto Holly, Tina , Jenn and Goldenpyrs.
We have been married 22 years, and it took me at least 10 years to get Dale the way I wanted him. As we speak he is dressed in a Scooby Doo Costume canvassing the nieghborhood with two dogs and a 13 year old, while I cook dinner, dignaty intact.
Stella

Stella, ya just gotta love that man!  (Huge smile on my face here!)      

[Nicole]

Ditto Holly, Tina , Jenn and Goldenpyrs.
We have been married 22 years, and it took me at least 10 years to get Dale the way I wanted him. As we speak he is dressed in a Scooby Doo Costume canvassing the nieghborhood with two dogs and a 13 year old, while I cook dinner, dignaty intact.
Stella

Stella, ya just gotta love that man!  (Huge smile on my face here!)      

Yeah, Dale pretty much rules.

[bigdogs@5501]

Couple of points here, most of us who have been married for any major length of time understand that we didnt get what we have today from the beginning, its been a process of many many years of dissapointment s and happiness.
Also look at the relationship as a whole- besides the screw up today- is everything else good?
He does sound like the typical guy in so many ways, who hasnt been in the relationship long enough to figure out what is needed and expected. If you are happy with the rest of the situation, then this is one of those things that can be worked on and improved.

[GrumpyBunny]

Ditto Holly, Tina , Jenn and Goldenpyrs.
We have been married 22 years, and it took me at least 10 years to get Dale the way I wanted him. As we speak he is dressed in a Scooby Doo Costume canvassing the nieghborhood with two dogs and a 13 year old, while I cook dinner, dignaty intact.
Stella

Stella, you are my idol. I just mentally sang the first couple of lines of "Wind Beneath My Wings" to you. 

[Ali]

Wow - super advice! I totally agree. It's not easy, though. No offense to the twenty somethings, but the younger you are, the harder it is to follow this sage advice. The fact is, though, it is ALL true. If you can suck it up and let him respond to your honest feelings (hurt, sad, disappointed) you might be suprised - his reaction, his response, might be just the gift you wanted. He may never do this again, and you can consider him trained (at least as far as anniversaries go!!) I can also attest to the fact that pouting, sulking and the old silent treatment do absolutly nothing for the relationship. It's unfair, but to keep the peace, we ladies are often having to take the high road. However, as someone else said, it sets a good example for the poor guy, who is really kind of clueless. He wants boundaries. And a very first anniversary? He had no clue. If he does it again next year, then girl, we have to talk...

[Nicole]

I agree with everyone but I would have been a bit peeved but then hoped he'd try to make it up to me in some way. I've been with Aaron for 4 years so I'm not full of experience. Aaron is my longest relationship and I'm hoping we'll be together for the rest of our lives. I would definitely look at how things are going as a whole. Are you happy? Are you happy when you're with him? Do you feel important? Then go from there!

We love you!!!!

Oh...come on. We all know that Aaron is even more perfecter than Charlie. (Sorry, Holly) YOU my dear, had NO work to do. Aaron was born worshipping the ground you walk on. 

You should give seminars. Errrr...Aaron should. 

[Nicole]

Oh, and I need to add.

Heather. Holly is my life-coach. So, even though I pay her BOO-KOO bucks for this dubious position, she also gives pretty good advice. (I think that its not cuz I pay her)

On the times when I've been able to actually suck it up and TAKE her advice, it has worked out beautifully and Mark has learned a new skill.

Here's the most amazing new skill. He knows the due date of our baby and SPONTANEOUSLY SAYS IT.

But, Heather...that took 9 years. And, I've only known Holly for the last 2 of them. So, I'm really just beginning. And, Mark has only known Aaron for about a year now, so that's a new influence, too. See? It takes time and lots of work. 

[dohertyswissy]

Hey Ladies,

First and foremost, thank you so much for all of your advice.  I can say truly say that it talked me right off the ledge.  I was totally and completely prepared to sulk, keep the massage gift certificate for myself, and leap into the "you don't even care, do you" speech.

Instead, following the BPO Queens wisdom, I sent an I.M. back saying, and I quote,

"honey, i realize you've been swamped, but i am hurt that you didn't get me a card for our anniversary. i'll take your word for it that it is just something that didn't occur to you to get/do anything for. all that being said, i am ready to have a nice night.. but just keep that in mind for any future anniversaries. ;-)"

I was very proud of myself for that one, I must say.  He sent me another I.M. apologizing profusely and saying that I could keep the gifts if I wanted to, because he didn't deserve them.  Very obvious that he did feel bad.  I told him not necessary, because I wanted him to have the gifts.  They were for him.  Duh!

When he got to my house, he had on a Halloween costume.  So, for most of you, that may not seem like a big deal.  While he l-o-v-e-s to hand out (and eat) candy to the kids and see all the costumes, my man is not-so-much a costume wearer.  However, he knows I lovecostumes, so the fact that he went to that effort was awesome.  He dug out his old High School Football jersey, letterman's jacket, and toted around the tub of candy like a football all night.    

He did get me a card and wrote a very sweet message in it...so at least he got the hint.  We had a great night, just goofing around, so I'm glad I let it go instead of marinating in it.  At the end of the night when we went to bed, he apologized 3 more times.

So, from here on out, I am totally coming to you ladies for dude-advice. 

Thanks again and I love you all!!