Author Topic: A little doggie humor  (Read 3172 times)

Offline Butts Mom

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A little doggie humor
« on: January 02, 2008, 04:02:06 am »
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America , we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil, and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to un-wrap their 'dogs'. The mother superior begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part... did you get...?"

Father and son were walking hand in hand when they saw two dogs "doing it" in the middle of the street.
The dad got all flustered and told his son that the big brown dog hurt his paw, and the little white dog was helping him across the street. The boy thought a minute, then looked up and said, "Isn't that just like life? You try to help someone and get screwed!"

 A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of Labrador puppies. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were three boy Labrador puppies and four girl Labrador puppies."
"How did you know that?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it is printed on their bottoms.

On the door of the little country store a stranger noticed the sign DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! Inside he saw a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.
He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" "Yep, that's him," he replied.
The stranger could not help but be amused. "That certainly does not look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

During break time at obedience school, two dogs were talking.
One said to the other..."The thing I hate about obedience school is you learn ALL this stuff you will never use in the real world."

You know you are owned by a dog when...
You have a mental list of people you would like to spay or neuter.
Running out of paper towels is a household crisis.
You stick fake reindeer antlers on the dog and photograph him for your Christmas Cards.
Not only do family and friends think you go overboard with doggie holiday decorations, they have never seen the holy family depicted by dogs.
Your checks show a dog.
You pray they will someday manufacture Teflon furniture.
You absentmindedly pat people on the head or scratch them behind their ears.
You not only allow dogs on the couch, guests have to sit on the floor because the dog has "territorial issues."
You and your vet are on a first name basis.
You tell your children to "heel!" in a grocery store.
You know all the characteristic s of a good "stool".

Genuine misprints taken from real publications
FREE PUPPIES: part German Shepherd - part dog .
FREE PUPPIES: Cocker Spaniel - sneaky neighbor dog.
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER, 8 years old. Unpleasant little dog.
GERMAN SHEPHERD, 85 lb., neutered, speaks German, free.
FOUND: dirty white dog, looks like a rat, been out awhile, better be a reward.

How To Photograph A Puppy
Remove film from box and load camera.
Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
Choose a suitable background for photo.
Mount camera on tripod and focus.
Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
Take flashcube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
Put magazines back on coffee table.
Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head... Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
Jump up in time to grab puppy and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"
Call spouse to clean up the mess.
Fix a drink.
Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink, and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.

Michelle, Butt, Tub and Everybirdie

Offline GrumpyBunny

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Re: A little doggie humor
« Reply #1 on: January 02, 2008, 04:10:03 am »
You know you are owned by a dog when...
You absentmindedly pat people on the head or scratch them behind their ears.

These are so funny! 

I haven't done the above quite yet, but apparently I am getting close.  The other day at work someone sneezed and I absentmindedly said "Bless the puppy", which is what I tell my dogs. 

*Founder of the Official Suspicious Chicken Fan Club*

Offline Ali

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Re: A little doggie humor
« Reply #2 on: January 02, 2008, 05:57:22 am »
The nun joke is hilarious!!
mom of 4 humans AND
Tani (TAH-nee or rhymes with "Bonnie")- Aussie/Pittie?Boxer?Mutt!
Kai - Aussie/Dobie
Kenji - big ol' black cat
Mika and Nishi - kitty sisters, foster failures!
Tasia Ladysnake - ball python

Offline London_Pyr_Lover

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Re: A little doggie humor
« Reply #3 on: January 02, 2008, 10:26:30 pm »
I really like the "How to photograph a Puppy" joke.   :D :D
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