Rules For Dogs
1. Dogs are never permitted in the house. The dog stays outside in a
specially built wooden compartment named, for very good reason, the
doghouse.
2. Okay, the dog can enter the house, but only for short visits or if
his own house is under renovation.
3. Okay, the dog can stay in the house on a permanent basis, provided
his doghouse can be sold in a yard sale to a rookie dog owner.
4. Inside the house, the dog is not allowed to run free and is
confined to a comfortable but secure metal cage.
5. Okay, the cage becomes part of a two for one deal along with the
doghouse in the yard sale, and the dog can go wherever the h*ll he
pleases.
6. The dog is never allowed on the furniture.
7. Okay, the dog can get on the old furniture, but not the new
furniture.
8. Okay, the dog can get up on the new furniture until it looks like
the old furniture, and then we'll sell the whole darn works and buy
new furniture -- upon which the dog will most definitely not be allowed.
9. The dog never sleeps on the bed. Period.
10. Okay, the dog can sleep at the foot of the bed.
11. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you, but he's not allowed under
the covers.
12. Okay, the dog can sleep under the covers, but not with his head
on the pillow.
13. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you under the covers with his
head on the pillow, but if he snores or farts, he's got to leave the
room.
14. Okay, the dog can sleep and snore and fart and have nightmares in
bed, but he's not to come in and sleep on the couch in the TV room,
where I'm now sleeping. That's just not fair.
15. The dog never gets listed on the census questionnaire as "primary
resident" even if it's true.
