Author Topic: Some good Horse jokes  (Read 3396 times)

Offline chaos270

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Some good Horse jokes
« on: February 17, 2006, 03:35:36 pm »
Equine High School Cliques:

~Quarter Horses: Definitely jocks. Strutting around flexing those muscles, showing off their butts....yeah, jocks allright!
~Thoroughbreds: Preppies. Sometimes athletes, never 'jocks'. Monogrammed blankets, leather halters, Nike eventer shoes, the latest custom trailer and tack.
~Appaloosas: Could only be the stoners. They like to trip acid so they can watch their spots move.
~Arabians: RAH! RAH! SIS BOOM BAH! GOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOO TEAM!! (need I say more?)
~Shetland Ponies: Frightening, spiky hairdos, snotty attitude and any color of the rainbow .... gotta be PUNKS. Some even sport tattoos.
~Connemaras: Gorgeous chicks with sultry eyelashes, sexy curves, devil-may-care attitudes. NOT into studying or anything to do with geometry. Great fun to be around, delightful senses of humour, and the world's best pranksters. Can usually be found in the nearest pub, entertaining the masses. Fast and easy.
~Friesians: Big, buff, and always in black, they are the biker clique. Cigs hanging out of the corner of their mouths, dangerous glint in the eyes, daring anyone to cross their path.
~Morgans: They're the nerdy teacher's pets, running around doing everything from yearbook to decorating the gym and ratting out the bikers, stoners and jocks. They have perpetual wedgies.
~Drafts (all breeds): No real clique, they're just the big guys who sit in the back of the room and fart a lot (and then laugh). Who's going to STOP them?
~Icelandics and Paso Finos: They're the little squirrely geeks who flit around a dance trying to fit in and fail miserably. The kind who wear Toughskins jeans from Sears (or would that be ripoff WeathaBeetas??).
~Ahkle Tekl (Akle Takl? Ackle Tackle....!! Akhal Teke!!): Foreign exchange student(s). And no one can spell their names either.
~Hackney Ponies: A breed this manic would have to be a band geek. Marching along with their knees and heads held high.....even going to the bathroom.
~Warmbloods: The school staff and faculty. Looking down their noses with righteous indignation and disgust. Secretly wishing they were having half as much fun!

Identification of the Female Equestrian...

EASY TO LOCATE. She's either off on the horse or out in the barn.
UPHOLDS THE DOUBLE STANDARD. Smooches with the most bewhiskered beast, but recoils when you need a shave.
OWNS ONE VACUUM CLEANER and operates it exclusively in the barn.
A SOCIAL BUTTERFLY, providing the party is given by another horsey wife. Falls asleep in her soup at all other functions.
ECONOMY MINDED. Won't waste your money on permanents, facials, or manicures.
A CULINARY PERFECTIONIST. Checks every section of hay for mold but doesn't blink when she petrifies your dinner in the microwave.
OCCASIONALLY AMOROUS, but never leaves lipstick on your collar, at worst, slight trace of chapstick.
EASY TO OUTFIT. No need for embarrassing visits to uncomfortable little boutiques. You can find all she wears at your local tackstore.
FEATURES A SELECTIVE SENSE OF SMELL. Bitterly complains about your sticky-sweet cigar smoke while remaining totally oblivious to the almost visible aroma of her barn boots drying next to the heater.
UNMISTAKABLE IN A BATHING SUIT. She's the one whose tan starts at the nose, ends at the neck, and picks up again at the wrists
A DEDICATED CLUB WOMAN, as long as the words "horse" or "riding" appear in its name.
HAS YOUR LEISURE AT HEART. Eliminates grass cutting by turning every square inch of lawn into pasture which, in turn, converts itself into mud.
A MASTER AT MULTIPLICATION . She starts with one horse, adds a companion, and if it's a mare, she breeds it.
KEEPS AN EAGLE EYE ON THE BUDGET. Easily justifies spending six hundred dollars, but croaks when you blow ten on a tie.
AN ENGAGING CONVERSATIONAL IST. Can rattle on endlessly about training.
SOCIALLY AWARE. Knows that formal occasions call for clean boots.
A MOVING FORCE IN THE FAMILY. House by house, she'll get you to move closer to horse country (and farther away from your job.)
EASY TO PLEASE. A new wheelbarrow, custom boots, or even a folding hoof pick will win her heart forever.
SENTIMENTAL FOOL. Displays a minimum of six 8x10 color photos of the horse in the house and carries a crumpled snapshot of you (taken before you were married) somewhere in the bottom of her purse.
SHOWS HER AFFECTION IN UNUSUAL WAYS. If she pats you on the neck and says "you're a good boy," believe it or not, she loves you!

20 signs your dressage test need work . . .

1. Under judges remarks she writes only: "Nice braid job."
2. Horse confuses dressage arena rail for a cavaletti; exits at K.
3. Your circles shape reminds the judge that he should pick up eggs on the way home.
4. Your serpentine was perfect, except that it was supposed to be a straight centerline.
5. Sitting trot has caused some fillings to be loosened in lower molars.
6. Your horse believes "free walk" means leaving the arena and heading towards the nearest patch of grass.
7. Your working trot had you working harder then your horse.
8. In your salute, your inadvertently use your whip hand causing your horse to perform airs above the ground.
9. Your walk seems to be more "rare" than "medium."
10. Impulsion improves only after the horse sees monsters in the decorative shrubbery near letters.
11. Your horse's response to the canter aid is "Can't, er, what?"
12. Your twenty meter circle involved jumping the rail twice.
13. Your halt took place in the judge's lap, instead of at X.
14. Your thoroughbred interpreted elasticity to involve trying to kick himself in the head with his back feet during the working canter.
15. Your horse entered the arena at A, and M, and H, and B...
16. Judge's comments include words like "unusual, dramatic, explosive, and tragic"
17. Leg-yields involve your leg yielding before the horse does.
18. Free walk was interpreted by your Arab to involve prancing, a rear, and a few bucks.
19. The judge asks you take the broken letters with you when you leave.
20. Voodoo dolls of your horse were found in the possession of the show's grounds manager

 
A Horse's View of Natural Horsemanship

Hello my name is Flicka and my Owner's a clinic junky. Yes, it's true. She went thru her mid life crisis and came to the sale barn and bought me.
I spent my whole life misbehaving and being passed from greenhorn to greenhorn till someone finally got smart and sent me to the sale barn.
I was seriously hoping to be picked up by one of those show horse fella's so I could live in a fancy barn and stand around and look pretty, but they told me my butt's too small, my heads too big, and the crest on my neck from a bout with grass founder (thanks to owner number 2) is not desirable, and in general I was just not that capable of looking pretty, so I went home with Phyllis instead.
She pets me and loves me, and in general I had a pretty good life at first. Then she heard about those guys who whisper to horses. Life has never been the same.
First there was Pat. At Pat's clinic Phyllis learned to twirl a big stick and chase me around a round pen till I was ringing wet with sweat.
Once I had quote "calmed down" (I was never really fired up in the first place till that guy came at me with the stick like an idiot) she began learning to ride me with no bridle. Talk about giving an old spoiled horse an opportunity to have some fun! Initially I went along with it. I'd lope around the pen real nice like, and everyone would oooh and cooo over my "natural horse" abilities.
Then, just when everyone had gathered around to watch, I would see the SCARIEST!! (tehehehe) Shadow in the history of scary shadows and switch directions and take off with my rider clinging terrified to my back. Every other horse on the place was envious of me because their owners would take them out back and beat them with that overpriced stick when no one was watching, but I knew my Phyllis would not.
Eventually Philly (as I like to call her) gave up on the whole natural horse idea when Pat tried to talk her into jumping me without a bridle over some barrels.
Off we went in search of another guru. In our search we found Monty. He threw a string at a horse and talked to the horse with winks and stares. I spent some time with his clinic horses. I saw the demonstration where an unbroken 2 year old became an overnight Reiner.
Later I talked to the 2 year old. He was actually 5 and had been doing this same routine for about 5 clinics now. The first time Phyllis broke out the string I again, went along with it. Well, until she got tired of me stopping and looking at her like she was stupid. When she went to get herself a glass of water and refer to that chapter in Monty's book, I grabbed the string and chewed it to pieces.
And this is how I got my Jolly ball!
Then there was the Indian fella with a name I can't pronounce. To get the full effect of his clinic Philly painted stuff on my body and put feathers in my hair. I looked like I was in a Costume class, but hey whatever floats your boat. I thought maybe at least with this guy we might get to play Indian pony games and have mock battles or something but no. More round pen work and gimmicks. This time there was a fire in the middle of the round pen and they danced around it while praying that I would become a good horse and always mind my owner. He only took her for a couple thousand pelts and a bottle of firewater.
There's been the Australian guy. Training with a Boomerang while he hopped around like a kangaroo and called me his mate... "Sorry fella, your cute and all but my mate has 4 legs. I Just don't' swing interspecies."
A horse psychic who told Phyllis my momma didn't lick me enough when I was born.
A guy who used his hands like ears to talk to me and of course the touchy feely lady.
I can't complain though I've got an owner who loves me and has devoted her time to trying to make me a better horse. I really should behave, really I should, but I think I am contributing to her youth by giving her a reason to take me to all these clinics. Maybe the next clinic will involve turning me out with the mustangs so I find my inner wild stallion.
Sincerely, Flicka 

New Year's Resolutions for Horses

I will NOT roll in streams or try to roll when my human is on my back.
I will NOT leap over large nonexistent obstacles when the whim strikes.
I will NOT walk faster on the way home than I did on the way out.
I promise NOT to swish my tail while my human is cleaning my back feet.
I promise also NOT to choose that particular time to answer nature's call.
I will NOT bite my farrier's butt just because it is there.
I will NOT confuse my human's blond hair for really soft hay.
I will NOT wipe green slime down the back of my human's white shirt.
I will NOT blow my nose on my human.
I CAN walk and potty at the same time. I can, I can, I can.
I will NOT stop and potty every time I pass the same spot in the arena.
I will NOT leave when my rider falls off.
My stall is NOT my litter box. When I have free access to my paddock, I will NOT go back inside to potty.
I will NOT try to mooch goodies off every human within a 1 mile radius.
I will NOT lay totally flat out in my stall with my eyes glazed over and my legs straight out and pretend I can't hear my human frantically screaming "Are you asleep?"
I will NOT chase the ponies into the electric fence to see if it is on.
I will promise NEVER to dump the wheelbarrow of manure over while a human is mucking my stall.
I will NOT grab my lead rope in my mouth and attempt to lead myself.
I will NOT have an attitude problem. I won't, I won't, I won't!
I will NOT pull my new shoes off the very next day just to prove that I can.
I am neither a beaver nor a carpenter. I promise I won't eat or remodel the barn or the new fences.
I WILL forgive my human for the very bad haircut, even though I look like a freak.
I accept that not every carrot is for me.
I will NOT do the Arab Teleport Trick when a bad/naughty/awful Horsasaurus Monster breathes at me.
I will NOT jump in the air and turn 180 degrees every time I see a bicycle.
I will understand that bicycles are NOT carnivorous.
I will NOT shy at familiar objects just for fun.
I will NOT bite the butt of the horse in front of me during the trail ride just to say "Hi".
I WILL put my ears forward and cooperate when it comes to photos.
Erin and the critters
Kali ~ the newf
Lacey ~ the aussie 
Gabby ~ Holsteiner mare
Fire ~ Appendix Quarter Horse/Belgian gelding
Lilah and Hannah ~ Kali's kitties

cricket36580

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Re: Some good Horse jokes
« Reply #1 on: February 17, 2006, 05:39:43 pm »
ROFLMAO!!!!!  OMG!!!  Laughing almost too hard to type!  Thnaks a million!!

Offline Senghe

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Re: Some good Horse jokes
« Reply #2 on: February 17, 2006, 06:36:39 pm »
Annnnd - here's one for the English contingent on the board...

A big white stallion walks into a pub and orders a drink.
The barmans says "Hey, we have whisky named after you!"
The horse says "What - Eric?"

*groan*  :P

(For the non-English who be wondering what the h*ll I'm talking about, we have a famous whisky here called White Horse)

Offline horsepoor21

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Re: Some good Horse jokes
« Reply #3 on: February 18, 2006, 01:53:13 am »
LMAO That was great ! Thankyou ! Although , being an owner of two arabs .... they're not like cheerleaders .... really ... not airheads .... just ..uh ... well I love them anyway !!!! LOL ;D
-Amy
Moose-Border Collie/Newfoundland rescue
Allie-Newfoundland
Spook-Newfoundland
Whiskey-Arabian
Wolverine-Cockatiel
Polly&Rainbow-Lovebirds (with 3 babies!)
Crush-Painted Turtle

       "Every boy should have two things:
 A dog, and a mother willing to let him have one"