How to help "steps" feel like he is their dog...

[Softhug]

We will be getting our AM, Boudreaux in two weeks.  Here is what I need help with.  Tsu is 12, and MY dog.  She likes Matt and the girls (we have been married 3 years soon) but he and the girls don’t consider her “theirs”.  I understand that.  However, now that zero hour is almost upon us, my step-girls (12&14) keep talking how they want a dog (for their momma’s house).  Matt says they won’t look at Boudreaux as theirs because he isn’t at “their house”.  Then again, we are getting him April 15th and May 23 they will be at our house for the summer so they get to puppy sit and be with him all day, every day!  UGH!  Does anyone have any suggestions on how to help make it feel like he is as much their dog as ours? I know I am probably worried about nothing, but I really want them to look at him as their dog as much as their little brother’s.

(And I honestly don't see a dog at momma's house in the future, so Boudreaux is it.) 

Jacquie

[BarkleysMum]

I already had Barkley when I married my awesome husband and inherited his two boys (now 8 & 10).  We acquired Sheba after we were together.  The kids do not have dogs at their mom's and they spend about 50% of their time at each house.  I find that they consider the dogs 'theirs' when it's convenient (ie when someone thinks having a huge dog is cool) but just like any other kid that age, avoid feeding etc.  We take care of all of that, and try to involve them in things like walking and grooming and probably most importantly cuddling.  I do little things like asking one of them to go let the dogs in/out, take their treats to them, etc.

Good luck!

[ZooCrew]

Guess I can't help you either b/c frankly I don't want my steps thinking the dogs are "theirs".  The older two aren't into pets, and the younger two are pretty much spoiled brats that don't know how to act or behave around animals (ie, keep trying to pic up Keiko........w ho weighs 60 lbs and has arthritis..... .....I'm dreading them meeting our new rat terriers).

But I agree if you want them to think he is "theirs", have them be more involved in the daily activities such as walking, feeding, grooming, that kind of stuff.  When they see how much work is involved, they may not want him as theirs anymore....... ..lol 

[NoDogNow]

Are they going to go with you to pick him up?� 

The sooner they get puppy breath in their noses the better!�  � 

On a more practical note, how much of the time do they live at your house?� 

Christy had a some of this issue with her stepson--she has a hers/his/ours situation with her daughter being the oldest, her stepson 2 years younger. His mom's work schedule put him at her house every weekend, and usually 2 nights a week in addition, so it was a very even time split.� 

When they got their first puppy about 6 months after the wedding, they divided up the activities that the kids did with her, and were really, really strict about it--their daughter was not allowed to play Frisbee with the dog, and their son was not allowed to play Ball, for example.�  The puppy learned pretty quickly to look forward to her 'private play' time with each of them.�  They also paid for both kids to take the puppy to obedience classes--the daughter on Tuesday nights and the son on Saturdays.�  It cost them some money, but they have an exceptionally well behaved dog.� 

[Softhug]

Are they going to go with you to pick him up?
No, we are leaving out Thursday afternoon so we can be back either Friday night LATE or Saturday morning (driving 600 miles one way) and they will be at their mom's until Friday.  We figure the quicker we can get there, the more time they will have with him that weekend.  The baby is staying with Auntie so the girls will be there as well.   

how much of the time do they live at your house?
They live 70 miles away so they are with us every other weekend, then Spring Break, 1/2 Christmas break and summer vacation.  They will be spending a lot of time with him this summer, I just SO hope they will feel like he is theirs too after spending so much time with him.   

ZooCrew, I got SO lucky with my steps!  They are the BEST!!  Even when I first came into the picture at 8&10, zero attitude.  I got a husband, two of the greatest daughters and now BUILT IN BABYSITTERS!! They let Tsu in and out all the time (if she isn't sleeping she is wanting outside!) and she is free fed so that isn't an issue.  But they are great and I have no doubt that they will help with him.  I just hope they feel like he is a family pupper. 

[VdogLover]

Why not let them name the dog?

[Softhug]

We tried that...no luck, they couldn't agree on one...LOL

I am probably overreacting. 

[GR8DAME]

At 12 and 14, they are old enough to understand that a dog at their house is probably not going to happen, and it doesn't seem as though shared custody of Bourdeau is an option either. So the best that you can do is present him as the family dog and let it go at that. After all, just because they don't live with their Dad full time doesn't mean they are any less his kids, does it?
And,by the way, count your blessings. It sounds like they are more invoved with your dog than my own kids are with mine,LOL.
Stella

[ZooCrew]

ZooCrew, I got SO lucky with my steps!  They are the BEST!!  Even when I first came into the picture at 8&10, zero attitude.  I got a husband, two of the greatest daughters and now BUILT IN BABYSITTERS!! They let Tsu in and out all the time (if she isn't sleeping she is wanting outside!) and she is free fed so that isn't an issue.  But they are great and I have no doubt that they will help with him.  I just hope they feel like he is a family pupper. 

You do sound lucky.  I would love to have steps like that.  When I came into the picture, their mom turned the older two against me (she told me that herself), and my husband tends to spoil the younger two when they visit, so they're pretty much climbing the walls every time they visit.

I pretty much stay out of the way and only intervene when needed.  Now the eldest two are almost out of high school and we get along fine (at least I think we do).  The younger two are still the same.  And the way things are going right now, we may or may not take them in before next school year.  Maybe they can learn some manners.   

[Softhug]

ZooCrew, I got SO lucky with my steps!�  They are the BEST!!�  Even when I first came into the picture at 8&10, zero attitude.�  I got a husband, two of the greatest daughters and now BUILT IN BABYSITTERS!! They let Tsu in and out all the time (if she isn't sleeping she is wanting outside!) and she is free fed so that isn't an issue.�  But they are great and I have no doubt that they will help with him.�  I just hope they feel like he is a family pupper.� 

You do sound lucky.�  I would love to have steps like that.�  When I came into the picture, their mom turned the older two against me (she told me that herself), and my husband tends to spoil the younger two when they visit, so they're pretty much climbing the walls every time they visit.

I pretty much stay out of the way and only intervene when needed.�  Now the eldest two are almost out of high school and we get along fine (at least I think we do).�  The younger two are still the same.�  And the way things are going right now, we may or may not take them in before next school year.�  Maybe they can learn some manners.�  � 

That is how my younger sister is with my step-mom.  She was 10 when the step came in the picture.  At 27 she STILL has no use for her no matter how hard my step-mom has tried over the years.  My sister (I use that term loosely) totally disrespects her (everyone really)and expects my dad to just look the other way.  Needless to say that doesn't happen and she doesn't come around that side of our family anymore.  Sometimes you just have to cut your losses and realize how much happier life is without the drama of the steps-once they are of a certain age that is, I totally support trying as hard as possible until they are grown. 
Knowing how bad things COULD be makes me even more grateful for having such wonderful daughters.  Just remember, once the kids get older (20's or so) hopefully they will see what their mom has done and see how wrong it was of her to take out her anger by turning them against you.  They missed out on a lot of love and friendship by not being your friend.      

[jaspers mom]

I agree with Softhug - at most, make it a family dog.� 

I always thought of the family dog as MINE (we got her when I was five) and my mother was in for a shock when I moved out and took the dog with me.�  There was no way I could leave without her, she was my best friend.�  Unfortunately, my mom kept her affection toward the dog low key, and we didn't find out until the last minute that our plans for the dog were different.� 

It's better to be totally up front with them right from day one.�  That way, you won't have any battles down the road when everyone has already bonded and thinks the dog belongs exclusively to them.� 

Good luck.�  I'm sure your girls are not nearly as bratty as I was.

[NoDogNow]

every other weekend, then Spring Break, 1/2 Christmas break and summer vacation. 

Well, that's not as much time as Christy had to work with, but I think it's still enough to give them activities with him that are just theirs, especially since they'll be with him all this first summer.  You could start with them each having a particular TOY that each them uses to play with him, or give them each a different kind of treat to use in basic training.

I think it will help that you have such a positive relationship with them to start with.  They already know that you love them, and they can have faith that when you tell him that he IS their dog too, you mean it.  Maybe as he gets a little bigger, they can each choose a 'specialty' to work on--an agility title, or obedience, or a therapy certification.  They're just at the age where they could get the maximum social benefit for themselves in doing something like that!  (Just think of all the nice, animal loving boys they could meet, instead of the generally chancy bunch they'll be rubbing shoulders with at school every day )

[Softhug]

every other weekend, then Spring Break, 1/2 Christmas break and summer vacation.� 

Well, that's not as much time as Christy had to work with, but I think it's still enough to give them activities with him that are just theirs, especially since they'll be with him all this first summer.�  You could start with them each having a particular TOY that each them uses to play with him, or give them each a different kind of treat to use in basic training.

I think it will help that you have such a positive relationship with them to start with.�  They already know that you love them, and they can have faith that when you tell him that he IS their dog too, you mean it.�  Maybe as he gets a little bigger, they can each choose a 'specialty' to work on--an agility title, or obedience, or a therapy certification.�  They're just at the age where they could get the maximum social benefit for themselves in doing something like that!�  (Just think of all the nice, animal loving boys they could meet, instead of the generally chancy bunch they'll be rubbing shoulders with at school every day )

Meeting MORE boys?�  For the love of Pete!�  Maybe I should get them a pet skunk!�  I am dreading the older one starting HS this fall...all those older boys...raging hormones...I just felt another hair turn gray.

I think we will go to the pet store tomorow and they can each pick out a toy or something for their new brother!  Oh and thanks for these ideas.  I am going to work on using them!

[NoDogNow]

Meeting MORE boys?�  For the love of Pete!�  Maybe I should get them a pet skunk!� 

She's only starting HS this fall?� 

YOU MUST GET HER IN A PUPPY PROGRAM WITH BOYS!!!!

Listen carefully to me now. I am an ex-HS teacher, and I'm telling you a sneaky trick that will save you and your daughter UNTOLD teenage angst.�  � 

Teenage boys are tricky creatures at the best of times.�  However, my professional observation of them leads me the conclusion that boys who have pets (particularly dogs, rabbits or horses, and no, I don't know why) they are especially attached to are just plain much NICER boys.�  They're more respectful of others people's space, they're more aware of other people's feelings, and MOST IMPORTANTLY for your peace of mind as a parent...they understand the inevitable consequences of breeding behaviors!�  And if they're attached enough to their dog to be in a group, they're smart enough to know that they're not OLD enough to deal with the consequences.

THIS IS EXACTLY THE KIND OF BOY YOU WANT YOUR DAUGHTER TO ACQUIRE FOR A BOYFRIEND!!�  You need to start looking right now for your local 4H or AKC dog program! You can go an talk to the adult leaders of the group, with your new puppy as a reason, and ask subtle questions about the other kids. And your secret weapon is thaty you'll have exactly the kind of puppy that will attract a boy of the desired type, too--big, but gentle.

This summer is your perfect window of opportunity!!!!

You must get your soon to be high schooler involved with the selected dog group as soon as she arrives at your house for the summer. (Make the puppy's best interests your whole argument.�  Don't say a word about boys! If she's really recalcitrant, say she might meet a girl to hang out with at whatever passes for a mall by you.) You want her to form an attachment to a boy who lives near YOU--and who with any luck, won't be driving yet...� 

If you are both lucky and very, very sneaky, she will start high school with a boyfriend who lives 70 miles away! Give her a cell phone with a lot of free evening minutes so she can talk to to this wonderous creature every night!�  Such a boyfriend's very EXISTENCE will reduce the attractiveness of those dangerous senior boys in her eyes. Letting her spend significant amounts of her weekends at your house with him is a small price to pay to keep her away from those older, and far less savory, boys.� 

I have seen this sneak attack worked with GREAT success; but you must be very, very sneaky, and don't let on for a minute that a nice boyfriend is your objective!!

[Softhug]

My God...you are Brrrrrilliant!   That is really interesting insight that I hadn't thought of!  Tuscaloosa is a big town, the University of Alabama is here yet, no Petsmart.  Just a Pet Supplies Plus which offers no obedience/socialization classes.  I will get with my vet or the "Tuscaloosa Paws" (a pet group in town) and see what I can cook up!    

Cell phone...she got one for Christmas(thank you wicked step-mother!).  However she lost the charger two weeks ago and it is dead.  SOOOO...this weekend she will be working what little tail she has off, to earn the money to buy a new one.  I am wicked!!